My one regret
September 8, 2009
If there is one regret I have from my years as an internal organizational change agent, it’s that I avoided having some of the tough one-on-one conversations that may have yielded large gains.
The reasons for avoidance were usually fear-based: fear of hurting someone’s feelings, fear of retaliation, fear that it would backfire and result in the opposite of my desired outcome. Sometimes the reasons were more political: it’s not my place to talk to certain leaders outside the chain of command or across boundaries. Political reasons are still based in fear – the fear of stepping out of place by saying the wrong thing to the wrong people.
It was easy to rely on subtle hints (or just plain hope) to get the message across that someone was hijacking the change initiative, or sending mixed signals, or not fully understanding the importance of implementing organizational change to achieve financial objectives. In some cases, I let others (higher-ups) field the important conversations for me. Unfortunately, avoidance is rarely an effective route for getting behavior change.
So I was delighted to find a book that gives practical step-by-step advice about how to have these important conversations: Crucial Conversations
According to the book, crucial conversations are those in which:
- Opinions vary – on the surface, you don’t agree.
- Stakes are high – the outcome and the relationship are important.
- Emotions run strong – including the aforementioned fear.
Who do you need to have a crucial conversation with?
If you enjoyed this post you may also like:
- How to deal with a clueless boss
- How to Get Beyond Leadership Buy-in
- Four Ways to Boost Your Organizational Power
How to deal with a clueless boss
March 2, 2009
I recently answered the following question on LinkedIn:
How do you (convincingly pretend) to listen and respect your Pointy Haired Boss? How do you hide the fact that you are thinking “my God, you are so clueless yet so oblivious to it”?
Name-calling aside, it is easy to identify with the author’s plight. Who among us has not had the same thought at one time or another (or for years at a time!)?
Most answers up to that point advised him to either quit as soon as possible or just grin and bear it. The following was my brief response:
Consider that you are contributing to his cluelessness if you are not providing constructive feedback. Instead of asking how you hide it, perhaps the question to ask is “How do you respectfully inform your boss that s/he is negatively affecting your or your company’s performance?”
I’m guessing that’s not the response he was looking for when he asked the question, but he probably wasn’t satisfied with the other two options either.
Sure, he could quit, but what if he really enjoys his work and his coworkers, and doesn’t want to leave the company? Besides, what happens next time he finds himself in the same situation?
The “grin and bear it” solution creates a pressure-cooker scenario. Accepting the situation as-is does nothing to solve what is most likely a real problem. It is not going to fix itself.
So, if addressing the issue is the best solution, how do you respectfully inform your boss that he is negatively affecting your or the company’s performance? Follow these steps:
- Stop the name-calling and talking behind his back about it (and griping on public forums!). It only serves to destroy your own integrity, and it fuels your rage.
- Realize that the “clueless” leader is the norm, not the outlier. The higher up in the organization you are, the less people tell you what you don’t want to hear. And you don’t notice the change.
- Get clear about what the real issue is. If you’ve been working with this boss for a while, chances are that everything he says is annoying. Take a step back to understand what really needs to be addressed. If it still seems like a lot of things, choose the most important. You don’t want to generate a laundry list or it will seem like an attack.
- Make sure you are in the right frame of mind for an effective conversation. Approach it with a genuine perspective that you are trying to help your boss, or at least doing the best thing for the company. If you go into the conversation seeking to right a wrong or to exact some kind of revenge, not only will your boss be more defensive during the conversation, but it will be more awkward afterward.
- Plan when you will have the conversation. You don’t necessarily have to schedule it with your boss, but know ahead of time for yourself when and where you will talk.
- At the beginning of the conversation, ask permission to give the feedback. It is unlikely that he will say “no,” and after saying “yes” he at least needs to hear what you have to say.
- Unless you have permission to represent a group, don’t drag other people into it. It might be comfortable to make yourself seem like one of many, but from the boss’s point of view, that’s a mutiny.
- Be honest and direct. Tell your boss the experience from your perspective, and what the implications are. Use specific examples.
- Expect your boss to be defensive. He may deny it or even turn it around to be your own fault. Don’t become defensive yourself. If you feel that you’ve made your case, thank him for letting you share your perspective and politely end the conversation.
- Thank him for listening (even if it seems like he didn’t). If the conversation went well, ask how you can best follow up.
Perhaps it’s not your boss who needs his mirror polished. As an organizational change agent, you know the leaders who need to change their own behavior to make the initiative successful. If you are not having these conversations, who is?
If you need to have a conversation like this, but you struggle with the best approach, please contact me and we’ll talk through it.
Feedback lessons from American Idol
February 3, 2009
Like millions of others, I enjoy American Idol, but usually only after they get to Hollywood, when they are done filtering through the bad singers. Last week, although they were still in the preliminary phase, I thought I would watch with an eye for feedback tips.
Lesson #1: Short of honest feedback, people assume the best of their own performance.
A friend tried out for American Idol a couple of years ago, and shared her experience. Evidently, there are several rounds of auditions with other judges before the final round with Randy, Paula, and Simon (and now Kara). Which means that that the judges in previous rounds passed all the bad singers and crazy personalities by allowing them to think they were good enough to go on to the next round. If you think about it, this is not much different from every day at work. Lack of feedback – or lack of honest feedback – allows individuals to go on thinking that their bad behavior is acceptable and effective.
Lesson #2: Request permission to provide feedback before giving it.
The people who try out for American Idol expect to be given feedback, even though they may not agree with it. Otherwise, they stay home. If they sign up for it, they have to listen, or at least stand there while you say it.
Lesson #3: Modify your approach based on the performance and their attitude.
Watching Simon Cowell give feedback, I noticed he has four different approaches.
- Beaming praise. When someone deserves it, he doesn’t hold back the good feedback.
- Genuine critique. Contestants that have talent but need to work at improving receive kind words and specific suggestions.
- Confirmation of doubt. When the contestant is not good but also not in denial, Simon says something like, “That wasn’t good enough, now was it?” He lets them down somewhat easily by simply confirming what they already know.
- Direct and rude. For contestants who believe they are destined to be stars but who are truly untalented, Simon provides the response he has become famous for: direct, rude, and insulting. He tries to knock these contestants down a notch to bring them into reality, and if that doesn’t work, at least it makes for good television.
I’m not a proponent of being rude and insulting, but being direct does have its place. In my experience, the immediate response to direct, honest feedback is usually defensive and denial, but the recipient usually does listen in the end.
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